Thursday, November 24, 2016

Grateful for .....

     This morning I woke up with a smile on my face telling God and my Lord Jesus thank you for another day..  A beautiful day..  A glorious day...  A day that I can share with my family and friends...  I'm thankful every day and I'm thankful that the Lord has opened my eyes wide so I can accept all that he has for me and accept him into my heart and more over that I'm not longer blinded and I have come to my own understanding of him and my heavenly Father... Not so e mans understanding.. When you come to understand everything clearly it is such a wonderful thing.  I have so much to learn in the bible still, but I'm glad my mind and heart are open to it..  There are so many lost people out there and I'm so so grateful I'm not one of them...  I pray for them all to be found..  And that they find Jesus and follow him and open their hearts wide to let him in, it is the most wonderful glourious feeling ever..  I feel as if the world was lifted off my shoulders..  There are still issues of life but I'm not carrying it alone anymore and that is the difference.  When you walk with the Lord there is such a difference..  He will carry your burdens for you...  It's just so beautiful..  I'm thankful also for my new church Shekinah Christain Fellowship, I'm grateful for the kindness and softness and loving self of Pastor Hillman and First Lady Hillman they are full of genuine Love Bishops as well and Prophet too.  I been blessed with the most loving family on earth.  And all my fellow worshippers..  I leave there with such love and happiness instilled in my heart I can't even explain it.  I'm humbled before you dear Lord to do your will as you see it not I...  Thank you for all that you have given me and continue to give me, I owe everything to you and my heavenly Father for dirrecting me..  It is a grand pleasure to walk in your footsteps and serve you.  My heart is overfilled with gratitude and love Thanks a million times for showing me the way..  Please never leave me... Amen 
     I want to wish each and everyone of you out there where ever you are a most wonderful Thanksgiving day with your families are whoever your with...  God bless..  Open your heart open your mind to the Lord and our heavenly Father so he can give you Love and peace within yourself.. You won'r regret a drop of it..
                             With love Janice


Friday, October 14, 2016

Cancer and a friend

     Today I want to talk about this ackward place...  Meaning my very first bf from when I was young...  His gf now has a uncurable cancer..  I had recently went to a so kind of battle with him about our oast and went through some changes but came out in a better place finally closing that door.  The whole say about four months give or take.  I still sent him messages text..  He wouldnt talk to me for a minute and recently decided to respond.  He is going through it and her as well.  They have given her three months to live.  My heart aches for them both.  My grandmother died of cancer and battled with it for years, but she lived to 68.  They woman is young I believe 47 and its just said that our world has so many horrible things that people get.  A close friend also died of cancer at 34..  She had four kids still young..  They gave her six months but she only made four the chemo had not the lights out of her...  It was difficult watching her die.  I feel that I'm doing the right thing in Gods eyes to be there not just for him but her as well.  Today he said he was having a most difficult day..  So I tried to comfort him with bible scriptures that I found online and the last one being the most comforting one for me.  Which is Isaiah 41:10.   It says Do not be afraid for Iam with you  don't be discouraged for I'am your God I will strengthen you and help you.  I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.  This is what helped me survive my panic disorder my children my brother drug addiction my mom dying and all the after affects  of everything.  You hear people say to find peace you need to find God and it is true.  I'm finding peace within myself more and more as I grow in God and his son Jesus Christ.  As I keep trusting in him I don't feel so anxious anymore.  I find that I can be calm, make calmer decisions...  It really doesn't feel awkward at all it feels right to be of help anyway that I can..  Bless us all o Lord and Father of prayers.  I'm reaching out for you to guide me to help them..  To reunite them both with you God and your son son Jesus Christ...  The only begotten one who gave his life for ours to be saved from sin..  Please dirrect me forgive me for my sins keep me with you always, all this I ask in the name of your son Christ Jesus Amen...

Sunday, October 9, 2016

Church and hearing God...

     O lord, your words were grand today...  I went to the house of God this morning for some much needed words of love and wisdom..  The message was strong to have that Faith that strong faith that no matter whats happening Faith, you know who you stand with Faith through the fire and rain...  It reassured my heart and soul that I'm doing the right thing.  Trusting in you my Father following in Jesus foot steps.   It gave me further strength and faith..  I attended a house of God this morning a place I had never been.  I visited this house of God a couple years ago at a different location.  It has now merged with another congregation.  Today I accepted Jesus in front of the congregation.  ( I accepted him on my own a couple months ago) and this morning was blessed with gaining new brothers and sisters in the Lord.  I haven't since I was a young girl faced the congregation.  And actually not in the way I did today.  The paster told me these are all my brothers and sisters...  And I replied good I need everyone of them.  I wasn't scared to look out at them at all.  I didn't feel like I was being judge I felt I was truly being welcomed...  Today was a best day..  Maybe I have found my home in the Lord...  With love Janice


Sunday, October 2, 2016

Isaiah 56:1

     This is what the lord says:
          " Maintain justice and do what is right...
     For my salvation is close at hand...
     And my righteousness will soon be revealed..
     Blessed is the one who does this...
          The persons who holds this fast...
     Who keeps the sabbath without desecrating it...
         And keeps their hands from doing any evil...

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Just some thoughts...

     Yesterday, I was missing mama...  And I posted on facebook the profile that I made in memorance of her.  I made a picture album to with pictures of the family.  Me my children their children and great grandchildren..  It is mostly for us family who miss her.  But all of a sudden when I was doing it.  I though about the celebration of life.  I have difficulties, bad bad back panic disorder among other things.  And as I visit blogs and facebook friends.  I'm noticing I'm not alone at the least.  I quit going to the Jehovah Witness Kingdom Hall , the only way I mostly knew all my life.  But because thats how I was brought up.  I knew some what of other faiths...  But not like them.  Certain events pushed me to look into the structure of them.  And I found it unbelievable...  I was sadden, but relieved as well.  The pressure is to much.  So at any rate I miss the ritual of going to church and the association.  But I can not do fake and pretent it has never been me.  But I'm learning as I go along.  So I feel I have grown some what.  Which brought me to the thinking of the celebration of life.  I know this much for sure.  I believe in God and the Christ.  And I believe we should not take life for granted.  And I know following our lords way makes it easier to swallow this crazy world ways and actions.  I'm also glad I'm no part of this upside down world.   As he says Do not love the world or anything in the world.  If anyone love the world, the Father is not in him.. 1John 2:15.  Celebration of Life...  There were celebrations of life, one when Jesus brought Lazarus back to life.  The passover was a celebration ?  I think we should cherish life.  Not take it for granted.  Life is about living and death.  And in between learning gaining knowledge and wisdom, but I believe it to be in our Father and our Lord Jesus Christ.  I'm 58 years of age but I have yet to gain all that is necessary, but are grateful that the Heavenly Father is showing me the way to it.  So that is a celebration Of my life...  Faith in him ✨💛✨ 
   With love, Janice... .  

Saturday, September 17, 2016

Struggle...

     The word struggle means different things to everyone.  As I struggle with my life trying to make heads or tails out of it.  Trying to understand the meaning of why I exist at times.  I know I'm not alone in this wonderment.  I don't know why I'm here on this earth or what my real purpose is.  I have struggled throughout my life with so many things from a young age into my adulthood.  Bad relationship with my father because of his alcoholism, bad relationships because of their own additions starting with a boyfriend who turned to using drugs and my own self using light weight drugs...  My brothers my cousins my friends. Thank God I had sense to walk out of it.  All the childhood neighborhood ended up using drugs..  Once upon a time things were wonderful in our neighborhood..  Full of kids and families a community of mixed races among a Russian community...  I have wondered in my mind many times was this my destiny a life of struggle.  Was it dads fault for becoming a alcoholic was it moms fault for not leaving dad.  Was it my fault for anything.  I don't know.  But I'm sitting here at 58 wondering and saying to myself I should have been stronger..  So many things I should have done differently..  I can't change the past only the future.  I'm ready to move on my own.  I'm tired of cleaning up after grown children who are adults with their own children.  I'm tired of all the struggles I had to endure all my life.  And now I struggle with Church and where I should belong.  I haven't given up God and my Lord Jesus Christ, because honestly with out them I would have absolutely nothing at all ...  It is all I have left in my life..  Really I think it is all I ever had..  If it wasn't for him my heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ I don't believe I would have survived this long..  Today I read a post that made me feel good..  About asking God to asking the Lord to prop you up...  I'm asking today for him to prop me up...  Straighten me out dear Heavenly Father and my Lord Jesus Christ..  Show me which way I should be walking in your light...  
     I liked this as well she posted this too, 
Dear Lord, 
     Help me lean on you today.  My life I yield to you, A channel for thy love and grace to be.  Use me as thy wilt, I humbly pray.  To point some soul unto the living way.  More purity give me, more longings for home.  More fir for thy Kingdom, more use would I be, more blessed and holy....  More Saviour, like thee... 
     Our struggle may be, but we need to lean on him, more and more asking him for what we need..   Thank you Sylvia for sharing your post this morning Slyvia is from the blog  A grandmas blessing @ http://agrandmasblissings.blogspot.com/.  Plz visit her to see the original post
 With love, Janice


Wednesday, August 17, 2016

His word my life...

     I have not written for so long time.  After I wrote a good part of things about my life all of a sudden it just stopped.  I had nothing to say.  But yet I had an abundance to say but couldn't.  I have started to read the book of proverbs.  I have only read the first three chapters and read them twice.  It is a book of wisdom and wise words.
                   In the book of Proverbs 
 Chapter Three...
        Verse one, My son, do not forget my law.  But let your heart keep my commands.
These words are very clear to me. . .
        Verse two, For length of days and long life and peace they will add to you.
        Verse three, Let not Mercy and truth forsake you;  bind them around your neck, write them on a tablet of your heart..
        Verse four, And so find favor and high esteem In the sight of God and man.  I have found much calmness within myself..  Though many things are still upside down.  I'am learning not to let life control me. But to trust in my lord Jesus and My Heavenly Father to guide me and walk me through the journey of my life.  For I know that I can not do it alone.  And I'm learning that I'm not here to live my life for me, but for him.  Life's pangs can get you caught up in thinking and following of the worlds way of doing things and of yourself rather than of God and others who need help..  Finding yourself, you can do that through and with God and his son Jesus Christ.  I do believe that the Bible has been in this world for such a long time for a reason..  It is a book of faith and much more than most realize..
With love Janice...
       


Wednesday, July 20, 2016

Christmas tradition..

 Hello, yes it has been a while.  My mind has gone through many transactions of thinking things through.  Trying to understand all things pertaining to God and his son Jesus.  I'm trying to figure out what is truth and what is not which isn't easy.   Today I looked up Christmas.  and I believe Christmas has nothing to do with Jesus Christ.  Here is a link that explains much about the tradtion of Christmas and what it has not to do with Jesus Christ.  https://realtruth.org/articles/169-ttooc.html  I have found it to be quite interssting.  If you are intersting you cna go and check it out for yourself.  Intersting readings.  
                  
   

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Mentally tired

        Today i seemed to be hanging on by a thread a thread of his word...  In my mind it passes 
   through   
                     Isaiah 41:10.
              So do not fear, for I am with you;
          do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
       I will strengthen you and help you;
    I will uphold you with my righteous right hand
These words have kept me here, know that he is and so is his son who gave his life for mine
Who did it for the sake of me to receive forgiveness for my sins...
I'm tired today for my mind went through a stressful day yesterday with my daughter..  And I didn't sleep well at all...  But I fell as if I have a ton of bricks sitting on me and I can't even lift them off..
       Where do I turn who do I talk to no one there is no one for everyone is so not trust worthy no one is a real friend ...  Only he is God. Jehovah and our Lord and King Jesus Christ...  I believe in them because I'm still here No matter how difficult my life is I have to have faith and belief that he is with me to the end...   

Saturday, May 28, 2016

My thoughts as of today...

     I remember many times where I got slapped across my face by my father and never knew why.  I would be sent to my room full of tears with pain in my heart.  And I wanted to die so much.  One time I took a pencil and I remember taking that pencil and trying to cut my wrist going over  and over across my wrist with such pain behind it, but the pencil was so dull I couldn't accomplish it.  Sometimes it seems well now like I was watching a movie of my life.  I was told by one therapist when I was probably around 25 something like that, she told me I'am surprise that your still alive. Which surprised me.  She couldn't believe that I went through so much already.   I can't remember when I started therapy..  Or what led me there at the moment.  I'm sure it was through a event that happened in my marriage.  My first marriage, which was to a man who was 17 years older than me.  You see he was a alcohlic like my father but he was good to me in so many ways.  How do I justify all that, i don't really know.  I guess for the most part he was a good to me.  Gave me a house a beautiful car did everything I asked of him gave me his pay check every week outside of 20 bucks for work for the week.  When we married I was I believe 19 i had just turned 19 in January and we got married in May in Reno just him and I.  It was nice after that we drove up further up north to visit my Uncle and Aunt spend so many days with them and returned home.  I got pregnant the night we married because nine months later came my son.  I took on a lot on and I look back now not regreting it but taking it for experience in my pocket.  He was married before and had three young children.  Who I took care of on his visits.  I also took care of my sister who really belonged to a young cousin that my parents took in and took care of.  She ended up not being able to care for her.  So they took her but I mostly took care of her.  In many ways she was like my own. To me she became my sister at any rate I didn't mind any of it.  I loved it.  But he began to be a jealous man and wanted to change what I did.  No more working I stayed home after my son was born.  He didn't want me to have friends.  And barely tollerated my mom.  And then the drinking started appearing more heavily and there where two times where he freaken me out.  One time I think he was drinking and also on some type of pills he came home and punch me straight in my jaw and almost broke it.  The dentist was so angry and wanted me to report it.  But I refused.  You know I can't remember a lot anymore and I think it's due to my mom dying I let so much of my pass fade away.  I don't have to put up with anymore garbage.  I'm finally free of so many things.  So I think the things of my pass have become blotted out. At one time I went to a shelter but I didn't stay very long.  I went back home because he had stopped drinking for about a year and few months.  Then it came back and one evening I arrived home from being at my moms house to find him at the top of the stairs with a rifle in hand.  I didn't see it at first but as I approached him, he put it up pointing at me, I was holding my baby daughter of a few months old and my 2 1/2 year old son by my side.  He told me where have you been, I was working for my dad I told him.   Oh yeah he said.  And he pushed me, told me go to bed I was like ok So I quickly walked the kids to my bedroom and started changing their clothes to pj's I was kneeled down over my bed.  And all of a sudden he said I told you to F---en get in the bed and he took his foot with his big heavy work boot and in my face it went I tried not to cry, for I feared that he might hurt me and the babies more so.  I took both my babies and jumped in my bed clothes shoes and all.  He tore out the phones from the walls etc...  Chained the gate where the front door was he undid the electric garage door and held me hostage till the early morning when my mom appeared at the door.  She rang the bell and he got up to answer I didn't dare move.  But I heard her telling him he had three minutes to put me at the window or door. I don't know what he told her but he came to get me with tears in his eyes.  The thing was when I went back to him I told him if he ever drank again I was gone forever.  So when he drank again and I guess in his mind he knew I was going to leave so that made him go where he did in his head.  He was trying to keep me from leaving.  But I left that day with my mom and only came back when he wasn't there to get my things.  I spent around six years in that marriage went to divorce him, he tried to stop it but the judge said sorry, thank God!!! I didn't fall in love with him when I met him I grew to love and care about him but he distroyed that.    They claimed I was the only woman that he really ever loved.  I don't know.  For six months after he was on stupid doing stupid things, then one day he stopped everything. And never ever drank again.  But I could never reverse and go back there even though he wanted me to.  I always had that fear of him repeating history.  So somehow later we became friends.  I re married into a bigger nightmare of my life.  All the time I thought of Jehovah and the kingdom hall etc.  but I  didn't go back.  I was angry at Jehovah for years for allowing my dad to do the things that he did to me.   I couldn't address him at all.    I couldn't justify anything my first boyfriend had done nor the things that happened in my marriage.  It was just forget it.   I did want love I wanted someone to love and be happy with I wanted a life I wanted someone to love me.  My second marriage was a horrible nightmare.  I married and fell in love with the devil.  He was very abusive.  Why,how, I don't know I just ended up there.  Ending with more pain and sorrow more children.  I don't think I know what a real life is or how it's suppose to be.  There where so many low points in my life and many times I wanted to die.  I always credited to Jehovah though for keeping me here but, why WHY WHY... i felt these passed years that Jehovah was dirrecting my life bringing me down the road to him.  Cause I prayed and prayed and prayed for him to help me show me the way to him.  Confusion, by the tons..  Where do I go now, I don't know.  There have been so many events in my life one after another.  And they continue. But in my heart I love God and his son I don't know why either,  maybe because it is all I have to believe in and hang onto.  The subject is where do I go now, what road do I take.  Show me O hearer of prayers show me reveal to me Please...

                                               With love Janice
                

Thursday, May 26, 2016

As I continue my life story...

     I remember going door to door as they call it.  I loved it I felt proud to do such a thing.  I actually enjoyed everything.  Meetings I think because all the brother's and sister's were very kind to me.  I can see all their smiling faces now.  Who would ever had thought that this was a man made religion, surely not I.  I went door to door as a beaming young girl egar to speak at each door to tell about Jehovah and his son Jesus and how we could live for ever on this wonderful earth that would be restored back to a paradise.  I also joined the ministry school back then I was very young.  I was egar for that as well. I don't remember what age I was but it had to be under 12.  I remember one time I stayed over at one of the brother and sister's house because I was friends with their daughter, a very pretty girl.  And I remember when it was time for me to go home.  I can't remember whether my dad picked me up or I think maybe they dropped me off.  I didn't want to come home because things weren't right and as I don't remember things clearly anymore i told the brother something about the situation at home.  I do remember my dad getting ready to spank the heck out of me he had grabbed me by my face with his greasy hand but my aunt Penny walked in and yelled what are you doing, she had though he already hit me in my face because of the gease that laid across my cheek.  I was scared to death,  the reason I didn't want to return home.  Because my father the elder had thrown days before some cut up car parts into the bay and I was horribly scared.  I haven't a clue what I thought was going to happen, but I knew we were doing something wrong.  At one point I ended up speaking with our family doctor, in those days people had family doctors.  I think by this time I was 16 almost seventeen.  He gave me drugs to calm my nerves.  There were so many times I wanted to die I didn't want to live this lie anymore.  Going to meetings pretented we were the great christain family that we wern't, by the way my mom stopped going soon after she was baptized.  So it was just my brothers and dad, and later just me and him they my brother's were four and five years older than me.  My oldest brother he died at 34, he had contracted Aids from a dirty needle.  He became a Heron addict.  Later on way after I found out my brother started when he was 15, and in my mind I know it was a escape for him.  I remember them coming home late and my dad grabbing them in the long hallway in our house and hitting them repeatedly all over their backs and chess with the belt to the point my mom would be yelling Gary stop stop...  I have so many mixed emotions.  This double life we lived almost destroyed me.  My dad stayed a elder for a long time he was in the truth as a lie for some 25 years, until he became this on the floor drunk.  There are so many things that happened.  I had broken lips and black cheeks and I had to lie to everyone at the kingdom hall.  No one ever questioned it to my knowledge thank God for this I stopped the drugs from the dr. He had switched it to valium which was no better.  That gave me headaches and I already had those migrains horriblely so I took medicine for that too.  I tried my best to live a right life without the witnesses.  And I loved my boyfriend so much.  He was all I had I believed he loved me as well.  Though when I was still young around 14 he became a heron addict as well.  It seemed to be the thing were I lived on Potrero Hill.  There were a lot of kids up there and it seemed they all were doing the drug thing at that time.  My cousins everyone ended up doing it.  Whenever I was in the street though my brother's made me go home.  So I did.  I didn't really know what any of them was really doing.  I heard bits and pieces at times.  There  were no brother's or sister's then to see anything and dad remained a witness.  No Jehovah saved us from this horid life that was evolving.  I remember even my boy friend went to the meetings trying to be ok so he could see me.  He was like four years older than me.  But later I was forbidden to be with him.  One day I left school a bit early went to the park with him.  Doing nothing bad just being together.  My jealous cousin went home and told my parents I cut school and was at the park with him kissing and i don't know what else I went home and they marched me up the block because that's where he lived.  Rang the door bell I wanted to shrink to nothing.  My parents told his parents and they took me to juvenile.  I remember being there for the day and they gave me a probation officer and i was told he would go to jail because I was a minor at that time and he was 18 now.  I later watched him find another girl but continue to be with me, and many girls for that fact but he was all I knew he became my dad in a sense hurting me giving me horrible sadness and pain in my life I left went back.  I remember one day I saw him outside as I watched through the glass pained door, him my cousin his girl and another girl walking together all I could do was watch.  He said he loved me, I didn't understand.  But I knew I really loved him.  He was going to college to become a lawyer later we were engaged to be married.  But later to find out that he was also engaged to be married to another.  That's when I was pregnant and living with my girlfriend and her grandparents.  Little ole me pregnant with our baby confused totally and hurt beyond.  I was five months pregnant and didn't know what to do.  I was on my own couldn't dare tell anyone specially not my parents.  Him no, what for he didn't really love me he was with another.  Afraid lonely unsure confused on my own.  Not knowing what will become of it all.  God knows I struggled or did he.  I thought and thought and thought what if my baby comes out sick because of his heron use what if and what if but that was the most part that scared me and how would I take care of this baby maybe they would tell me to leave then where would I go.  So I decided all alone I would abort my baby not realizing what I would be doing.  I Was around five months already 17 scared to death. I didn't know anything no one explained it.  Only the procedure.  Which later would haunt me for the rest of my life to this very day.  I had a new boyfriend who I met where I worked at he lived around the corner.  Very handsome loving Italian guy.  He went with me and my girlfriend it was the most horrible thing I ever experienced.  They stuck needles in my stomach which went inside to the womb.  God I hate myself till this very moment as I write this to you with tears in my eyes.  This is one event which I will never forget I was later put in a room on a bed a hospital gown on with my boyfriend and girlfriend trying to support me as I waited for my baby to come out of me.  God If I had only realized what I was doing.  I think I was in a numb state of mind I had no choice.  Later after a while i went to get up and my water bag broke not really knowing the nurse barely said blah blah..   Then after a while out came my baby.  She asked me did I want to see.  OMG WANT TO SEE ARE YOU CRAZY GOD NO I COULDN'T bare it, she quitely said it is a boy and walked away with it..  and later I had to be scraped inside.  The pain was insane They gave me a shot that didn't really work.  I kepted trying to tell the dr. i was feeling it but is was as if he didn't believe me.  And kepted on doing the scrapping with me moving all over the place I thought I was going to die which I wished I might as well have.  And in case  your wondering I was on birth control but somehow I ended up pregnant anyway.  So I barely remember now the events after.  I never told him he disappeared and I went on with life barely.  I think my friend told my her mom and then she told my mom.  And I barely remember my mom saying why didn't I tell her,  TELL YOU, I thought, I had tried to tell you so many things and you never listened.  Of course I didn't stay with that boyfriend I think he started doing drugs and another girl something to that affect.  I saw someone else for a while but nothing permanent.  I continued to work at the same place.  I stopped school  around six weeks before graduation. I just couldn't do it anymore.  I had went back home only to leave two weeks later.  Nothing had changed my dad still drinking and getting worse he killed my little dog, he kicked her so hard threw  her out the front door I came home from I can't remember where and found her dead at the bottom of the stairs.  I thought he killed her, he was always kicking her she was a tiny thing.  I lefted ended up moving in with a man who delived meat at my job. Which was a fast food place.  They sold the original place to a chinese woman who I couldn't deal with so I went down to the other one.  Thats where I started well he started persuing me.  But when I hadn't a place to go I didn't want to go back to my friends house so he had a house a offered me a place to stay.  So I moved in with him and my parents didn't talk to me for almost two years.  I would call and my mom would say I'm sorry I can't talk to you.  And hang up.  This was the Jehovah witness SHUNNING happening.  Because spite of the heavy drinking my dad was still an elder at the kingdom hall.  After this is when I found out this man I lived with drank a lot as well only on weekends though.  He worked everyday and was basically good to me.  Though at one point I wanted to go back home they said NO YOU CAN't come here.  So I stayed and got married to him I guess thinking it was all I had make the best of it.  One year later I had a baby boy.  Two and half years later had a baby girl.  He stopped drinking for almost a year and a half.  Mind you by my first child my parents were now talking to me I guess because I was married I don't know.  My dad still at the kingdom hall.  Me trying to forget the pass.  That's it for today.  I'am writing these events as I remember them not necesarrly in line of how they happened.  Thank you for reading my life as I write it down.  Feel free to ask questions make comments. This is a process for me hopefully to heal my broken soul and help me find the right way to walk.  Have a blessed day with love Janice
                 



Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Understanding..

     As I approach my confusion of religion..  It is very difficult to sort things out.  My story.  I start with the fact that I was raised a Jehovah Witness and to my knowledge thought I believed in all that they taught.  I remember looking back being very small at the kingdom hall.  Sitting with another sister at times breifly in my mind.  A loving sister very much so.  Who I admire till this very day.  I also remember several loving brothers who always greeted me on my arival.  And new people coming in very nice as well.  I remember going to three meetings a week.  Tuesday night book study, Thursday night  ministry school and the Sunday meeting.  I had no problem attending any of the meetings, I loved going until I got older around 12 I think when my dad who was a elder became a drunk.  In my mind I don't re-call a lot of the teachings just barely some things stuck in my mind.  When I think I was thirteen was when the brothers apparently approached my father about me.  I don't quite remember all the details of it all.  But I think something about my way of dressing and i'm not sure what else.  The first thing I saw my father the elder do, was go in the basement at home  and smoke apparently he had a smoking problem.  These days most of the happenings seem blury to me.  One day when I was 12, I had came from school now that I think of it maybe I was older.  Maybe not.  At any rate I came into the kitchen and he appeared and grabbed me saying where in the hell have I been I was like at school.  Then the next thing I knew he took off his belt and started beating me with the buckle part and never in my life would I had said a word to my father but he wouldn't stop so I called him a curse word and he stopped and walked away.  I don't re call anymore what happened at that moment I just remember him telling me the next day we had to get ready for the meeting, and I just couldn't I told him I couldn't go and I remember him being so angry and him storming out the front door and as soon as he left I got up and started packing a bag not knowing where I was going my brother was like what are you doing I'm leaving I said my body was hurting so bad.  My cousin said not with out me your not..  I barely remember but I think we walked out the door up the hill down the next to my girlfriend Veronica's house at the time.  She told her mom and her mom took us in.  I remember her, the mom giving me a bath and attending my wounds I had deep black and blue welts some slightly cut.  No one and I mean no one knew the pain I felt, my once best friend became my most enemy in my life.  And in case your wondering where was my mom in all of this some where in her own world.  There were times I tried to call her at work because my dad had hit me for no reason etc.  but she was working or busy playing cards till am hours of the morning.  So there just wasn't any point trying to tell her anymore because she wasn't hearing me.  At this point I had a boy friend 17 and i'm 13 I remember now.  That evening he came to see me.  He had been my boyfriend for a while now.  So I ended up having sex that night for the first time with him.  I'm not sure why, maybe because I needed someone I don't know. At that time he was the only person in my life who I thought truly loved me.  Apparently my dad no longer did. Again my friends mom comforted me when I look back she was such a lovely carring woman who later over dosed on some pills leaving this world behind.  It wasn't long after this that it happened.  Her marriage fell apart.  She took care of us for two weeks until my parents threaten her.  So then I had to go back home.  I remember the police coming I think we had to call them.  I also remember trying to tell them why I ran away but no one listen.  This was the beginning of the down spiral of my life.  Before these events I remember my dad as the most loving man.  He was my best friend.  Took us kids all over.  I remember being really small and my dad was always holding me in his arms.  There were times when he worked on cars that I would sit on the side walk and watch him work on cars.  Side jobs.  He would give me a couple of dimes and tell me go to the store, up the corner and buy us a couple of pies he would always want chocolate ones.  Or we would go to Sears store and I would want something and he would go to buy it but Mama would say NO sadly sometimes he would buy it anyways.  And he would always buy popcorn for us or we'd buy hot dogs.  Many times after church he would take us to buy ice cream at St. Frances ice cream palor.  On Sunday's he would sometimes take us to the museums.  Play pool at Mission Rock, don't get me wrong before he got sick with that aweful disease, alcoholism he was a great dad.   I ended up leaving home when I was 16 1/2 i had already been working at 14 1/2 at the same place Mama did, it was her friends family business so I worked evening's four to five hrs.  Went to school part time because at the high school I went to because of renovations they had split schedules. So I started at 7:35 am and I think 12:30 that was it.  Go home and get ready to work like 4:00 to 9:30 something like that.  When I left home I went to live with a friend from work who was connected to the family owned business.  She lived with her grandparents.  Going to stop here and will continue later.  This is the only way I know how to sort it all out.  By sharing my life story with you all it will release it from my soul and find me within it all.  Thank you if you happen to read my beginning of my life story.  This is not to boast about it in any way form or shape.  Maybe along the way I can also help someone.  My main goal is a personal one.  Blessings my friends.  With love Janice 

                             

Friday, May 20, 2016

I have changed positions and my thinking

     Well, where do I start.  I'm not quite sure.  I do know that I strongly believe in this that Jehovah God is.  I believe that he created us and he is my Heavenly Father. And that Jesus Christ is his son.  That is what I know and believe in.  I also believe in the fact that he created the heavens and the earth.  Then man, Adam and Eve.  I can not say at the moment that I have any other things that I believe in because I'm not sure about anything after that.  So bare with me as I pick up the pieces of backing out of from the things which I was taught as a child and somehow believed in.  

Don't let yourself be discouraged. The most important answer is that an organization or a church can not save us, and our own goodness or good works can not save us; Jesus is the Savior, and God's arrangement is for us to put faith in His Son for salvation. When we put simple faith in Jesus and choose to follow Him as Lord, He saves us. The rest is a matter of Christian growth, which He also promises to help us through. "God, who began this good work in you, will carry it on until it is finished in the Day of Christ Jesus." (Phil.1:6,Today's English Version
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Thursday, January 21, 2016

My pain

Dear Lord of the heavens can you please take my pain from my soul. And set me free..  I have loved him my whole life not knowing it would once again choke my soul to feel such an uncomfortable uneasy feeling...  Why does he refuse to tell me so I can close the door behind me instead to it wagging back and forth...  It would be clearer for me if I could close this wagging door and put the lock on it...   O help me dear Lord help me rid myself of this pain im tired of it oh my Father in heaven..  My tears flow down with great impact not knowing which way to turn. Then i think of you...   I know that your there some where but it feels so far away...  Saturate me with your love Jehovah over whelm me with peace in my heart.  Yank my hand please and take me next to you.  Lift me up and whirl me around you fill me with every thought of you and Jesus your son.  Show me how to walk inside his steps show me oh Father show me, my soul is tortured with the pangs of life..  Make me utter your will upon my lips. Make it flow from my soul through my heart off my tongue through my lips into the hearts and ears of those who want and need to hear... You are my heavenly Father my refuge, my only place to be me, real me...  Sometimes I wonder who I'am but when I seek you I know because you set me straight...  I need constant utterance of you and my lord Jesus to keep my soul strong my heart right my thoughts right...   Don't leave me ever..  Stay until my devine end and later make me brand new...  To fill the new system of things...  Help me to reach you and see the birds fly and the animals walk freely by me with neither of us to quiver ...   Let me finally feel peace in my heart please...  I ask you this truly with my heart Oh dear hearer of prayers...