My thoughts as of today...

     I remember many times where I got slapped across my face by my father and never knew why.  I would be sent to my room full of tears with pain in my heart.  And I wanted to die so much.  One time I took a pencil and I remember taking that pencil and trying to cut my wrist going over  and over across my wrist with such pain behind it, but the pencil was so dull I couldn't accomplish it.  Sometimes it seems well now like I was watching a movie of my life.  I was told by one therapist when I was probably around 25 something like that, she told me I'am surprise that your still alive. Which surprised me.  She couldn't believe that I went through so much already.   I can't remember when I started therapy..  Or what led me there at the moment.  I'm sure it was through a event that happened in my marriage.  My first marriage, which was to a man who was 17 years older than me.  You see he was a alcohlic like my father but he was good to me in so many ways.  How do I justify all that, i don't really know.  I guess for the most part he was a good to me.  Gave me a house a beautiful car did everything I asked of him gave me his pay check every week outside of 20 bucks for work for the week.  When we married I was I believe 19 i had just turned 19 in January and we got married in May in Reno just him and I.  It was nice after that we drove up further up north to visit my Uncle and Aunt spend so many days with them and returned home.  I got pregnant the night we married because nine months later came my son.  I took on a lot on and I look back now not regreting it but taking it for experience in my pocket.  He was married before and had three young children.  Who I took care of on his visits.  I also took care of my sister who really belonged to a young cousin that my parents took in and took care of.  She ended up not being able to care for her.  So they took her but I mostly took care of her.  In many ways she was like my own. To me she became my sister at any rate I didn't mind any of it.  I loved it.  But he began to be a jealous man and wanted to change what I did.  No more working I stayed home after my son was born.  He didn't want me to have friends.  And barely tollerated my mom.  And then the drinking started appearing more heavily and there where two times where he freaken me out.  One time I think he was drinking and also on some type of pills he came home and punch me straight in my jaw and almost broke it.  The dentist was so angry and wanted me to report it.  But I refused.  You know I can't remember a lot anymore and I think it's due to my mom dying I let so much of my pass fade away.  I don't have to put up with anymore garbage.  I'm finally free of so many things.  So I think the things of my pass have become blotted out. At one time I went to a shelter but I didn't stay very long.  I went back home because he had stopped drinking for about a year and few months.  Then it came back and one evening I arrived home from being at my moms house to find him at the top of the stairs with a rifle in hand.  I didn't see it at first but as I approached him, he put it up pointing at me, I was holding my baby daughter of a few months old and my 2 1/2 year old son by my side.  He told me where have you been, I was working for my dad I told him.   Oh yeah he said.  And he pushed me, told me go to bed I was like ok So I quickly walked the kids to my bedroom and started changing their clothes to pj's I was kneeled down over my bed.  And all of a sudden he said I told you to F---en get in the bed and he took his foot with his big heavy work boot and in my face it went I tried not to cry, for I feared that he might hurt me and the babies more so.  I took both my babies and jumped in my bed clothes shoes and all.  He tore out the phones from the walls etc...  Chained the gate where the front door was he undid the electric garage door and held me hostage till the early morning when my mom appeared at the door.  She rang the bell and he got up to answer I didn't dare move.  But I heard her telling him he had three minutes to put me at the window or door. I don't know what he told her but he came to get me with tears in his eyes.  The thing was when I went back to him I told him if he ever drank again I was gone forever.  So when he drank again and I guess in his mind he knew I was going to leave so that made him go where he did in his head.  He was trying to keep me from leaving.  But I left that day with my mom and only came back when he wasn't there to get my things.  I spent around six years in that marriage went to divorce him, he tried to stop it but the judge said sorry, thank God!!! I didn't fall in love with him when I met him I grew to love and care about him but he distroyed that.    They claimed I was the only woman that he really ever loved.  I don't know.  For six months after he was on stupid doing stupid things, then one day he stopped everything. And never ever drank again.  But I could never reverse and go back there even though he wanted me to.  I always had that fear of him repeating history.  So somehow later we became friends.  I re married into a bigger nightmare of my life.  All the time I thought of Jehovah and the kingdom hall etc.  but I  didn't go back.  I was angry at Jehovah for years for allowing my dad to do the things that he did to me.   I couldn't address him at all.    I couldn't justify anything my first boyfriend had done nor the things that happened in my marriage.  It was just forget it.   I did want love I wanted someone to love and be happy with I wanted a life I wanted someone to love me.  My second marriage was a horrible nightmare.  I married and fell in love with the devil.  He was very abusive.  Why,how, I don't know I just ended up there.  Ending with more pain and sorrow more children.  I don't think I know what a real life is or how it's suppose to be.  There where so many low points in my life and many times I wanted to die.  I always credited to Jehovah though for keeping me here but, why WHY WHY... i felt these passed years that Jehovah was dirrecting my life bringing me down the road to him.  Cause I prayed and prayed and prayed for him to help me show me the way to him.  Confusion, by the tons..  Where do I go now, I don't know.  There have been so many events in my life one after another.  And they continue. But in my heart I love God and his son I don't know why either,  maybe because it is all I have to believe in and hang onto.  The subject is where do I go now, what road do I take.  Show me O hearer of prayers show me reveal to me Please...

                                               With love Janice