Saturday, September 17, 2016


     The word struggle means different things to everyone.  As I struggle with my life trying to make heads or tails out of it.  Trying to understand the meaning of why I exist at times.  I know I'm not alone in this wonderment.  I don't know why I'm here on this earth or what my real purpose is.  I have struggled throughout my life with so many things from a young age into my adulthood.  Bad relationship with my father because of his alcoholism, bad relationships because of their own additions starting with a boyfriend who turned to using drugs and my own self using light weight drugs...  My brothers my cousins my friends. Thank God I had sense to walk out of it.  All the childhood neighborhood ended up using drugs..  Once upon a time things were wonderful in our neighborhood..  Full of kids and families a community of mixed races among a Russian community...  I have wondered in my mind many times was this my destiny a life of struggle.  Was it dads fault for becoming a alcoholic was it moms fault for not leaving dad.  Was it my fault for anything.  I don't know.  But I'm sitting here at 58 wondering and saying to myself I should have been stronger..  So many things I should have done differently..  I can't change the past only the future.  I'm ready to move on my own.  I'm tired of cleaning up after grown children who are adults with their own children.  I'm tired of all the struggles I had to endure all my life.  And now I struggle with Church and where I should belong.  I haven't given up God and my Lord Jesus Christ, because honestly with out them I would have absolutely nothing at all ...  It is all I have left in my life..  Really I think it is all I ever had..  If it wasn't for him my heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ I don't believe I would have survived this long..  Today I read a post that made me feel good..  About asking God to asking the Lord to prop you up...  I'm asking today for him to prop me up...  Straighten me out dear Heavenly Father and my Lord Jesus Christ..  Show me which way I should be walking in your light...  
     I liked this as well she posted this too, 
Dear Lord, 
     Help me lean on you today.  My life I yield to you, A channel for thy love and grace to be.  Use me as thy wilt, I humbly pray.  To point some soul unto the living way.  More purity give me, more longings for home.  More fir for thy Kingdom, more use would I be, more blessed and holy....  More Saviour, like thee... 
     Our struggle may be, but we need to lean on him, more and more asking him for what we need..   Thank you Sylvia for sharing your post this morning Slyvia is from the blog  A grandmas blessing @  Plz visit her to see the original post
 With love, Janice

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