As I continue my life story...

     I remember going door to door as they call it.  I loved it I felt proud to do such a thing.  I actually enjoyed everything.  Meetings I think because all the brother's and sister's were very kind to me.  I can see all their smiling faces now.  Who would ever had thought that this was a man made religion, surely not I.  I went door to door as a beaming young girl egar to speak at each door to tell about Jehovah and his son Jesus and how we could live for ever on this wonderful earth that would be restored back to a paradise.  I also joined the ministry school back then I was very young.  I was egar for that as well. I don't remember what age I was but it had to be under 12.  I remember one time I stayed over at one of the brother and sister's house because I was friends with their daughter, a very pretty girl.  And I remember when it was time for me to go home.  I can't remember whether my dad picked me up or I think maybe they dropped me off.  I didn't want to come home because things weren't right and as I don't remember things clearly anymore i told the brother something about the situation at home.  I do remember my dad getting ready to spank the heck out of me he had grabbed me by my face with his greasy hand but my aunt Penny walked in and yelled what are you doing, she had though he already hit me in my face because of the gease that laid across my cheek.  I was scared to death,  the reason I didn't want to return home.  Because my father the elder had thrown days before some cut up car parts into the bay and I was horribly scared.  I haven't a clue what I thought was going to happen, but I knew we were doing something wrong.  At one point I ended up speaking with our family doctor, in those days people had family doctors.  I think by this time I was 16 almost seventeen.  He gave me drugs to calm my nerves.  There were so many times I wanted to die I didn't want to live this lie anymore.  Going to meetings pretented we were the great christain family that we wern't, by the way my mom stopped going soon after she was baptized.  So it was just my brothers and dad, and later just me and him they my brother's were four and five years older than me.  My oldest brother he died at 34, he had contracted Aids from a dirty needle.  He became a Heron addict.  Later on way after I found out my brother started when he was 15, and in my mind I know it was a escape for him.  I remember them coming home late and my dad grabbing them in the long hallway in our house and hitting them repeatedly all over their backs and chess with the belt to the point my mom would be yelling Gary stop stop...  I have so many mixed emotions.  This double life we lived almost destroyed me.  My dad stayed a elder for a long time he was in the truth as a lie for some 25 years, until he became this on the floor drunk.  There are so many things that happened.  I had broken lips and black cheeks and I had to lie to everyone at the kingdom hall.  No one ever questioned it to my knowledge thank God for this I stopped the drugs from the dr. He had switched it to valium which was no better.  That gave me headaches and I already had those migrains horriblely so I took medicine for that too.  I tried my best to live a right life without the witnesses.  And I loved my boyfriend so much.  He was all I had I believed he loved me as well.  Though when I was still young around 14 he became a heron addict as well.  It seemed to be the thing were I lived on Potrero Hill.  There were a lot of kids up there and it seemed they all were doing the drug thing at that time.  My cousins everyone ended up doing it.  Whenever I was in the street though my brother's made me go home.  So I did.  I didn't really know what any of them was really doing.  I heard bits and pieces at times.  There  were no brother's or sister's then to see anything and dad remained a witness.  No Jehovah saved us from this horid life that was evolving.  I remember even my boy friend went to the meetings trying to be ok so he could see me.  He was like four years older than me.  But later I was forbidden to be with him.  One day I left school a bit early went to the park with him.  Doing nothing bad just being together.  My jealous cousin went home and told my parents I cut school and was at the park with him kissing and i don't know what else I went home and they marched me up the block because that's where he lived.  Rang the door bell I wanted to shrink to nothing.  My parents told his parents and they took me to juvenile.  I remember being there for the day and they gave me a probation officer and i was told he would go to jail because I was a minor at that time and he was 18 now.  I later watched him find another girl but continue to be with me, and many girls for that fact but he was all I knew he became my dad in a sense hurting me giving me horrible sadness and pain in my life I left went back.  I remember one day I saw him outside as I watched through the glass pained door, him my cousin his girl and another girl walking together all I could do was watch.  He said he loved me, I didn't understand.  But I knew I really loved him.  He was going to college to become a lawyer later we were engaged to be married.  But later to find out that he was also engaged to be married to another.  That's when I was pregnant and living with my girlfriend and her grandparents.  Little ole me pregnant with our baby confused totally and hurt beyond.  I was five months pregnant and didn't know what to do.  I was on my own couldn't dare tell anyone specially not my parents.  Him no, what for he didn't really love me he was with another.  Afraid lonely unsure confused on my own.  Not knowing what will become of it all.  God knows I struggled or did he.  I thought and thought and thought what if my baby comes out sick because of his heron use what if and what if but that was the most part that scared me and how would I take care of this baby maybe they would tell me to leave then where would I go.  So I decided all alone I would abort my baby not realizing what I would be doing.  I Was around five months already 17 scared to death. I didn't know anything no one explained it.  Only the procedure.  Which later would haunt me for the rest of my life to this very day.  I had a new boyfriend who I met where I worked at he lived around the corner.  Very handsome loving Italian guy.  He went with me and my girlfriend it was the most horrible thing I ever experienced.  They stuck needles in my stomach which went inside to the womb.  God I hate myself till this very moment as I write this to you with tears in my eyes.  This is one event which I will never forget I was later put in a room on a bed a hospital gown on with my boyfriend and girlfriend trying to support me as I waited for my baby to come out of me.  God If I had only realized what I was doing.  I think I was in a numb state of mind I had no choice.  Later after a while i went to get up and my water bag broke not really knowing the nurse barely said blah blah..   Then after a while out came my baby.  She asked me did I want to see.  OMG WANT TO SEE ARE YOU CRAZY GOD NO I COULDN'T bare it, she quitely said it is a boy and walked away with it..  and later I had to be scraped inside.  The pain was insane They gave me a shot that didn't really work.  I kepted trying to tell the dr. i was feeling it but is was as if he didn't believe me.  And kepted on doing the scrapping with me moving all over the place I thought I was going to die which I wished I might as well have.  And in case  your wondering I was on birth control but somehow I ended up pregnant anyway.  So I barely remember now the events after.  I never told him he disappeared and I went on with life barely.  I think my friend told my her mom and then she told my mom.  And I barely remember my mom saying why didn't I tell her,  TELL YOU, I thought, I had tried to tell you so many things and you never listened.  Of course I didn't stay with that boyfriend I think he started doing drugs and another girl something to that affect.  I saw someone else for a while but nothing permanent.  I continued to work at the same place.  I stopped school  around six weeks before graduation. I just couldn't do it anymore.  I had went back home only to leave two weeks later.  Nothing had changed my dad still drinking and getting worse he killed my little dog, he kicked her so hard threw  her out the front door I came home from I can't remember where and found her dead at the bottom of the stairs.  I thought he killed her, he was always kicking her she was a tiny thing.  I lefted ended up moving in with a man who delived meat at my job. Which was a fast food place.  They sold the original place to a chinese woman who I couldn't deal with so I went down to the other one.  Thats where I started well he started persuing me.  But when I hadn't a place to go I didn't want to go back to my friends house so he had a house a offered me a place to stay.  So I moved in with him and my parents didn't talk to me for almost two years.  I would call and my mom would say I'm sorry I can't talk to you.  And hang up.  This was the Jehovah witness SHUNNING happening.  Because spite of the heavy drinking my dad was still an elder at the kingdom hall.  After this is when I found out this man I lived with drank a lot as well only on weekends though.  He worked everyday and was basically good to me.  Though at one point I wanted to go back home they said NO YOU CAN't come here.  So I stayed and got married to him I guess thinking it was all I had make the best of it.  One year later I had a baby boy.  Two and half years later had a baby girl.  He stopped drinking for almost a year and a half.  Mind you by my first child my parents were now talking to me I guess because I was married I don't know.  My dad still at the kingdom hall.  Me trying to forget the pass.  That's it for today.  I'am writing these events as I remember them not necesarrly in line of how they happened.  Thank you for reading my life as I write it down.  Feel free to ask questions make comments. This is a process for me hopefully to heal my broken soul and help me find the right way to walk.  Have a blessed day with love Janice