Understanding..

     As I approach my confusion of religion..  It is very difficult to sort things out.  My story.  I start with the fact that I was raised a Jehovah Witness and to my knowledge thought I believed in all that they taught.  I remember looking back being very small at the kingdom hall.  Sitting with another sister at times breifly in my mind.  A loving sister very much so.  Who I admire till this very day.  I also remember several loving brothers who always greeted me on my arival.  And new people coming in very nice as well.  I remember going to three meetings a week.  Tuesday night book study, Thursday night  ministry school and the Sunday meeting.  I had no problem attending any of the meetings, I loved going until I got older around 12 I think when my dad who was a elder became a drunk.  In my mind I don't re-call a lot of the teachings just barely some things stuck in my mind.  When I think I was thirteen was when the brothers apparently approached my father about me.  I don't quite remember all the details of it all.  But I think something about my way of dressing and i'm not sure what else.  The first thing I saw my father the elder do, was go in the basement at home  and smoke apparently he had a smoking problem.  These days most of the happenings seem blury to me.  One day when I was 12, I had came from school now that I think of it maybe I was older.  Maybe not.  At any rate I came into the kitchen and he appeared and grabbed me saying where in the hell have I been I was like at school.  Then the next thing I knew he took off his belt and started beating me with the buckle part and never in my life would I had said a word to my father but he wouldn't stop so I called him a curse word and he stopped and walked away.  I don't re call anymore what happened at that moment I just remember him telling me the next day we had to get ready for the meeting, and I just couldn't I told him I couldn't go and I remember him being so angry and him storming out the front door and as soon as he left I got up and started packing a bag not knowing where I was going my brother was like what are you doing I'm leaving I said my body was hurting so bad.  My cousin said not with out me your not..  I barely remember but I think we walked out the door up the hill down the next to my girlfriend Veronica's house at the time.  She told her mom and her mom took us in.  I remember her, the mom giving me a bath and attending my wounds I had deep black and blue welts some slightly cut.  No one and I mean no one knew the pain I felt, my once best friend became my most enemy in my life.  And in case your wondering where was my mom in all of this some where in her own world.  There were times I tried to call her at work because my dad had hit me for no reason etc.  but she was working or busy playing cards till am hours of the morning.  So there just wasn't any point trying to tell her anymore because she wasn't hearing me.  At this point I had a boy friend 17 and i'm 13 I remember now.  That evening he came to see me.  He had been my boyfriend for a while now.  So I ended up having sex that night for the first time with him.  I'm not sure why, maybe because I needed someone I don't know. At that time he was the only person in my life who I thought truly loved me.  Apparently my dad no longer did. Again my friends mom comforted me when I look back she was such a lovely carring woman who later over dosed on some pills leaving this world behind.  It wasn't long after this that it happened.  Her marriage fell apart.  She took care of us for two weeks until my parents threaten her.  So then I had to go back home.  I remember the police coming I think we had to call them.  I also remember trying to tell them why I ran away but no one listen.  This was the beginning of the down spiral of my life.  Before these events I remember my dad as the most loving man.  He was my best friend.  Took us kids all over.  I remember being really small and my dad was always holding me in his arms.  There were times when he worked on cars that I would sit on the side walk and watch him work on cars.  Side jobs.  He would give me a couple of dimes and tell me go to the store, up the corner and buy us a couple of pies he would always want chocolate ones.  Or we would go to Sears store and I would want something and he would go to buy it but Mama would say NO sadly sometimes he would buy it anyways.  And he would always buy popcorn for us or we'd buy hot dogs.  Many times after church he would take us to buy ice cream at St. Frances ice cream palor.  On Sunday's he would sometimes take us to the museums.  Play pool at Mission Rock, don't get me wrong before he got sick with that aweful disease, alcoholism he was a great dad.   I ended up leaving home when I was 16 1/2 i had already been working at 14 1/2 at the same place Mama did, it was her friends family business so I worked evening's four to five hrs.  Went to school part time because at the high school I went to because of renovations they had split schedules. So I started at 7:35 am and I think 12:30 that was it.  Go home and get ready to work like 4:00 to 9:30 something like that.  When I left home I went to live with a friend from work who was connected to the family owned business.  She lived with her grandparents.  Going to stop here and will continue later.  This is the only way I know how to sort it all out.  By sharing my life story with you all it will release it from my soul and find me within it all.  Thank you if you happen to read my beginning of my life story.  This is not to boast about it in any way form or shape.  Maybe along the way I can also help someone.  My main goal is a personal one.  Blessings my friends.  With love Janice