My thoughts as of today...

     I remember many times where I got slapped across my face by my father and never knew why.  I would be sent to my room full of tears with pain in my heart.  And I wanted to die so much.  One time I took a pencil and I remember taking that pencil and trying to cut my wrist going over  and over across my wrist with such pain behind it, but the pencil was so dull I couldn't accomplish it.  Sometimes it seems well now like I was watching a movie of my life.  I was told by one therapist when I was probably around 25 something like that, she told me I'am surprise that your still alive. Which surprised me.  She couldn't believe that I went through so much already.   I can't remember when I started therapy..  Or what led me there at the moment.  I'm sure it was through a event that happened in my marriage.  My first marriage, which was to a man who was 17 years older than me.  You see he was a alcohlic like my father but he was good to me in so many ways.  How do I justify all that, i don't really know.  I guess for the most part he was a good to me.  Gave me a house a beautiful car did everything I asked of him gave me his pay check every week outside of 20 bucks for work for the week.  When we married I was I believe 19 i had just turned 19 in January and we got married in May in Reno just him and I.  It was nice after that we drove up further up north to visit my Uncle and Aunt spend so many days with them and returned home.  I got pregnant the night we married because nine months later came my son.  I took on a lot on and I look back now not regreting it but taking it for experience in my pocket.  He was married before and had three young children.  Who I took care of on his visits.  I also took care of my sister who really belonged to a young cousin that my parents took in and took care of.  She ended up not being able to care for her.  So they took her but I mostly took care of her.  In many ways she was like my own. To me she became my sister at any rate I didn't mind any of it.  I loved it.  But he began to be a jealous man and wanted to change what I did.  No more working I stayed home after my son was born.  He didn't want me to have friends.  And barely tollerated my mom.  And then the drinking started appearing more heavily and there where two times where he freaken me out.  One time I think he was drinking and also on some type of pills he came home and punch me straight in my jaw and almost broke it.  The dentist was so angry and wanted me to report it.  But I refused.  You know I can't remember a lot anymore and I think it's due to my mom dying I let so much of my pass fade away.  I don't have to put up with anymore garbage.  I'm finally free of so many things.  So I think the things of my pass have become blotted out. At one time I went to a shelter but I didn't stay very long.  I went back home because he had stopped drinking for about a year and few months.  Then it came back and one evening I arrived home from being at my moms house to find him at the top of the stairs with a rifle in hand.  I didn't see it at first but as I approached him, he put it up pointing at me, I was holding my baby daughter of a few months old and my 2 1/2 year old son by my side.  He told me where have you been, I was working for my dad I told him.   Oh yeah he said.  And he pushed me, told me go to bed I was like ok So I quickly walked the kids to my bedroom and started changing their clothes to pj's I was kneeled down over my bed.  And all of a sudden he said I told you to F---en get in the bed and he took his foot with his big heavy work boot and in my face it went I tried not to cry, for I feared that he might hurt me and the babies more so.  I took both my babies and jumped in my bed clothes shoes and all.  He tore out the phones from the walls etc...  Chained the gate where the front door was he undid the electric garage door and held me hostage till the early morning when my mom appeared at the door.  She rang the bell and he got up to answer I didn't dare move.  But I heard her telling him he had three minutes to put me at the window or door. I don't know what he told her but he came to get me with tears in his eyes.  The thing was when I went back to him I told him if he ever drank again I was gone forever.  So when he drank again and I guess in his mind he knew I was going to leave so that made him go where he did in his head.  He was trying to keep me from leaving.  But I left that day with my mom and only came back when he wasn't there to get my things.  I spent around six years in that marriage went to divorce him, he tried to stop it but the judge said sorry, thank God!!! I didn't fall in love with him when I met him I grew to love and care about him but he distroyed that.    They claimed I was the only woman that he really ever loved.  I don't know.  For six months after he was on stupid doing stupid things, then one day he stopped everything. And never ever drank again.  But I could never reverse and go back there even though he wanted me to.  I always had that fear of him repeating history.  So somehow later we became friends.  I re married into a bigger nightmare of my life.  All the time I thought of Jehovah and the kingdom hall etc.  but I  didn't go back.  I was angry at Jehovah for years for allowing my dad to do the things that he did to me.   I couldn't address him at all.    I couldn't justify anything my first boyfriend had done nor the things that happened in my marriage.  It was just forget it.   I did want love I wanted someone to love and be happy with I wanted a life I wanted someone to love me.  My second marriage was a horrible nightmare.  I married and fell in love with the devil.  He was very abusive.  Why,how, I don't know I just ended up there.  Ending with more pain and sorrow more children.  I don't think I know what a real life is or how it's suppose to be.  There where so many low points in my life and many times I wanted to die.  I always credited to Jehovah though for keeping me here but, why WHY WHY... i felt these passed years that Jehovah was dirrecting my life bringing me down the road to him.  Cause I prayed and prayed and prayed for him to help me show me the way to him.  Confusion, by the tons..  Where do I go now, I don't know.  There have been so many events in my life one after another.  And they continue. But in my heart I love God and his son I don't know why either,  maybe because it is all I have to believe in and hang onto.  The subject is where do I go now, what road do I take.  Show me O hearer of prayers show me reveal to me Please...

                                               With love Janice

                

As I continue my life story...

     I remember going door to door as they call it.  I loved it I felt proud to do such a thing.  I actually enjoyed everything.  Meetings I think because all the brother's and sister's were very kind to me.  I can see all their smiling faces now.  Who would ever had thought that this was a man made religion, surely not I.  I went door to door as a beaming young girl egar to speak at each door to tell about Jehovah and his son Jesus and how we could live for ever on this wonderful earth that would be restored back to a paradise.  I also joined the ministry school back then I was very young.  I was egar for that as well. I don't remember what age I was but it had to be under 12.  I remember one time I stayed over at one of the brother and sister's house because I was friends with their daughter, a very pretty girl.  And I remember when it was time for me to go home.  I can't remember whether my dad picked me up or I think maybe they dropped me off.  I didn't want to come home because things weren't right and as I don't remember things clearly anymore i told the brother something about the situation at home.  I do remember my dad getting ready to spank the heck out of me he had grabbed me by my face with his greasy hand but my aunt Penny walked in and yelled what are you doing, she had though he already hit me in my face because of the gease that laid across my cheek.  I was scared to death,  the reason I didn't want to return home.  Because my father the elder had thrown days before some cut up car parts into the bay and I was horribly scared.  I haven't a clue what I thought was going to happen, but I knew we were doing something wrong.  At one point I ended up speaking with our family doctor, in those days people had family doctors.  I think by this time I was 16 almost seventeen.  He gave me drugs to calm my nerves.  There were so many times I wanted to die I didn't want to live this lie anymore.  Going to meetings pretented we were the great christain family that we wern't, by the way my mom stopped going soon after she was baptized.  So it was just my brothers and dad, and later just me and him they my brother's were four and five years older than me.  My oldest brother he died at 34, he had contracted Aids from a dirty needle.  He became a Heron addict.  Later on way after I found out my brother started when he was 15, and in my mind I know it was a escape for him.  I remember them coming home late and my dad grabbing them in the long hallway in our house and hitting them repeatedly all over their backs and chess with the belt to the point my mom would be yelling Gary stop stop...  I have so many mixed emotions.  This double life we lived almost destroyed me.  My dad stayed a elder for a long time he was in the truth as a lie for some 25 years, until he became this on the floor drunk.  There are so many things that happened.  I had broken lips and black cheeks and I had to lie to everyone at the kingdom hall.  No one ever questioned it to my knowledge thank God for this I stopped the drugs from the dr. He had switched it to valium which was no better.  That gave me headaches and I already had those migrains horriblely so I took medicine for that too.  I tried my best to live a right life without the witnesses.  And I loved my boyfriend so much.  He was all I had I believed he loved me as well.  Though when I was still young around 14 he became a heron addict as well.  It seemed to be the thing were I lived on Potrero Hill.  There were a lot of kids up there and it seemed they all were doing the drug thing at that time.  My cousins everyone ended up doing it.  Whenever I was in the street though my brother's made me go home.  So I did.  I didn't really know what any of them was really doing.  I heard bits and pieces at times.  There  were no brother's or sister's then to see anything and dad remained a witness.  No Jehovah saved us from this horid life that was evolving.  I remember even my boy friend went to the meetings trying to be ok so he could see me.  He was like four years older than me.  But later I was forbidden to be with him.  One day I left school a bit early went to the park with him.  Doing nothing bad just being together.  My jealous cousin went home and told my parents I cut school and was at the park with him kissing and i don't know what else I went home and they marched me up the block because that's where he lived.  Rang the door bell I wanted to shrink to nothing.  My parents told his parents and they took me to juvenile.  I remember being there for the day and they gave me a probation officer and i was told he would go to jail because I was a minor at that time and he was 18 now.  I later watched him find another girl but continue to be with me, and many girls for that fact but he was all I knew he became my dad in a sense hurting me giving me horrible sadness and pain in my life I left went back.  I remember one day I saw him outside as I watched through the glass pained door, him my cousin his girl and another girl walking together all I could do was watch.  He said he loved me, I didn't understand.  But I knew I really loved him.  He was going to college to become a lawyer later we were engaged to be married.  But later to find out that he was also engaged to be married to another.  That's when I was pregnant and living with my girlfriend and her grandparents.  Little ole me pregnant with our baby confused totally and hurt beyond.  I was five months pregnant and didn't know what to do.  I was on my own couldn't dare tell anyone specially not my parents.  Him no, what for he didn't really love me he was with another.  Afraid lonely unsure confused on my own.  Not knowing what will become of it all.  God knows I struggled or did he.  I thought and thought and thought what if my baby comes out sick because of his heron use what if and what if but that was the most part that scared me and how would I take care of this baby maybe they would tell me to leave then where would I go.  So I decided all alone I would abort my baby not realizing what I would be doing.  I Was around five months already 17 scared to death. I didn't know anything no one explained it.  Only the procedure.  Which later would haunt me for the rest of my life to this very day.  I had a new boyfriend who I met where I worked at he lived around the corner.  Very handsome loving Italian guy.  He went with me and my girlfriend it was the most horrible thing I ever experienced.  They stuck needles in my stomach which went inside to the womb.  God I hate myself till this very moment as I write this to you with tears in my eyes.  This is one event which I will never forget I was later put in a room on a bed a hospital gown on with my boyfriend and girlfriend trying to support me as I waited for my baby to come out of me.  God If I had only realized what I was doing.  I think I was in a numb state of mind I had no choice.  Later after a while i went to get up and my water bag broke not really knowing the nurse barely said blah blah..   Then after a while out came my baby.  She asked me did I want to see.  OMG WANT TO SEE ARE YOU CRAZY GOD NO I COULDN'T bare it, she quitely said it is a boy and walked away with it..  and later I had to be scraped inside.  The pain was insane They gave me a shot that didn't really work.  I kepted trying to tell the dr. i was feeling it but is was as if he didn't believe me.  And kepted on doing the scrapping with me moving all over the place I thought I was going to die which I wished I might as well have.  And in case  your wondering I was on birth control but somehow I ended up pregnant anyway.  So I barely remember now the events after.  I never told him he disappeared and I went on with life barely.  I think my friend told my her mom and then she told my mom.  And I barely remember my mom saying why didn't I tell her,  TELL YOU, I thought, I had tried to tell you so many things and you never listened.  Of course I didn't stay with that boyfriend I think he started doing drugs and another girl something to that affect.  I saw someone else for a while but nothing permanent.  I continued to work at the same place.  I stopped school  around six weeks before graduation. I just couldn't do it anymore.  I had went back home only to leave two weeks later.  Nothing had changed my dad still drinking and getting worse he killed my little dog, he kicked her so hard threw  her out the front door I came home from I can't remember where and found her dead at the bottom of the stairs.  I thought he killed her, he was always kicking her she was a tiny thing.  I lefted ended up moving in with a man who delived meat at my job. Which was a fast food place.  They sold the original place to a chinese woman who I couldn't deal with so I went down to the other one.  Thats where I started well he started persuing me.  But when I hadn't a place to go I didn't want to go back to my friends house so he had a house a offered me a place to stay.  So I moved in with him and my parents didn't talk to me for almost two years.  I would call and my mom would say I'm sorry I can't talk to you.  And hang up.  This was the Jehovah witness SHUNNING happening.  Because spite of the heavy drinking my dad was still an elder at the kingdom hall.  After this is when I found out this man I lived with drank a lot as well only on weekends though.  He worked everyday and was basically good to me.  Though at one point I wanted to go back home they said NO YOU CAN't come here.  So I stayed and got married to him I guess thinking it was all I had make the best of it.  One year later I had a baby boy.  Two and half years later had a baby girl.  He stopped drinking for almost a year and a half.  Mind you by my first child my parents were now talking to me I guess because I was married I don't know.  My dad still at the kingdom hall.  Me trying to forget the pass.  That's it for today.  I'am writing these events as I remember them not necesarrly in line of how they happened.  Thank you for reading my life as I write it down.  Feel free to ask questions make comments. This is a process for me hopefully to heal my broken soul and help me find the right way to walk.  Have a blessed day with love Janice

                 

Understanding..

     As I approach my confusion of religion..  It is very difficult to sort things out.  My story.  I start with the fact that I was raised a Jehovah Witness and to my knowledge thought I believed in all that they taught.  I remember looking back being very small at the kingdom hall.  Sitting with another sister at times breifly in my mind.  A loving sister very much so.  Who I admire till this very day.  I also remember several loving brothers who always greeted me on my arival.  And new people coming in very nice as well.  I remember going to three meetings a week.  Tuesday night book study, Thursday night  ministry school and the Sunday meeting.  I had no problem attending any of the meetings, I loved going until I got older around 12 I think when my dad who was a elder became a drunk.  In my mind I don't re-call a lot of the teachings just barely some things stuck in my mind.  When I think I was thirteen was when the brothers apparently approached my father about me.  I don't quite remember all the details of it all.  But I think something about my way of dressing and i'm not sure what else.  The first thing I saw my father the elder do, was go in the basement at home  and smoke apparently he had a smoking problem.  These days most of the happenings seem blury to me.  One day when I was 12, I had came from school now that I think of it maybe I was older.  Maybe not.  At any rate I came into the kitchen and he appeared and grabbed me saying where in the hell have I been I was like at school.  Then the next thing I knew he took off his belt and started beating me with the buckle part and never in my life would I had said a word to my father but he wouldn't stop so I called him a curse word and he stopped and walked away.  I don't re call anymore what happened at that moment I just remember him telling me the next day we had to get ready for the meeting, and I just couldn't I told him I couldn't go and I remember him being so angry and him storming out the front door and as soon as he left I got up and started packing a bag not knowing where I was going my brother was like what are you doing I'm leaving I said my body was hurting so bad.  My cousin said not with out me your not..  I barely remember but I think we walked out the door up the hill down the next to my girlfriend Veronica's house at the time.  She told her mom and her mom took us in.  I remember her, the mom giving me a bath and attending my wounds I had deep black and blue welts some slightly cut.  No one and I mean no one knew the pain I felt, my once best friend became my most enemy in my life.  And in case your wondering where was my mom in all of this some where in her own world.  There were times I tried to call her at work because my dad had hit me for no reason etc.  but she was working or busy playing cards till am hours of the morning.  So there just wasn't any point trying to tell her anymore because she wasn't hearing me.  At this point I had a boy friend 17 and i'm 13 I remember now.  That evening he came to see me.  He had been my boyfriend for a while now.  So I ended up having sex that night for the first time with him.  I'm not sure why, maybe because I needed someone I don't know. At that time he was the only person in my life who I thought truly loved me.  Apparently my dad no longer did. Again my friends mom comforted me when I look back she was such a lovely carring woman who later over dosed on some pills leaving this world behind.  It wasn't long after this that it happened.  Her marriage fell apart.  She took care of us for two weeks until my parents threaten her.  So then I had to go back home.  I remember the police coming I think we had to call them.  I also remember trying to tell them why I ran away but no one listen.  This was the beginning of the down spiral of my life.  Before these events I remember my dad as the most loving man.  He was my best friend.  Took us kids all over.  I remember being really small and my dad was always holding me in his arms.  There were times when he worked on cars that I would sit on the side walk and watch him work on cars.  Side jobs.  He would give me a couple of dimes and tell me go to the store, up the corner and buy us a couple of pies he would always want chocolate ones.  Or we would go to Sears store and I would want something and he would go to buy it but Mama would say NO sadly sometimes he would buy it anyways.  And he would always buy popcorn for us or we'd buy hot dogs.  Many times after church he would take us to buy ice cream at St. Frances ice cream palor.  On Sunday's he would sometimes take us to the museums.  Play pool at Mission Rock, don't get me wrong before he got sick with that aweful disease, alcoholism he was a great dad.   I ended up leaving home when I was 16 1/2 i had already been working at 14 1/2 at the same place Mama did, it was her friends family business so I worked evening's four to five hrs.  Went to school part time because at the high school I went to because of renovations they had split schedules. So I started at 7:35 am and I think 12:30 that was it.  Go home and get ready to work like 4:00 to 9:30 something like that.  When I left home I went to live with a friend from work who was connected to the family owned business.  She lived with her grandparents.  Going to stop here and will continue later.  This is the only way I know how to sort it all out.  By sharing my life story with you all it will release it from my soul and find me within it all.  Thank you if you happen to read my beginning of my life story.  This is not to boast about it in any way form or shape.  Maybe along the way I can also help someone.  My main goal is a personal one.  Blessings my friends.  With love Janice 

                             

I have changed positions and my thinking

     Well, where do I start.  I'm not quite sure.  I do know that I strongly believe in this that Jehovah God is.  I believe that he created us and he is my Heavenly Father. And that Jesus Christ is his son.  That is what I know and believe in.  I also believe in the fact that he created the heavens and the earth.  Then man, Adam and Eve.  I can not say at the moment that I have any other things that I believe in because I'm not sure about anything after that.  So bare with me as I pick up the pieces of backing out of from the things which I was taught as a child and somehow believed in.  

Don't let yourself be discouraged. The most important answer is that an organization or a church can not save us, and our own goodness or good works can not save us; Jesus is the Savior, and God's arrangement is for us to put faith in His Son for salvation. When we put simple faith in Jesus and choose to follow Him as Lord, He saves us. The rest is a matter of Christian growth, which He also promises to help us through. "God, who began this good work in you, will carry it on until it is finished in the Day of Christ Jesus." (Phil.1:6,Today's English Version

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